Cardiac

• Patient has chest pains if she lies on her left side for over a year.
  
  
• By the time she was admitted to the hospital, her rapid heart had stopped and she was feeling much better.

Musculoskeletal

• On the second day, the knee was better, and on the third day, it had completely disappeared.
  
  
• While in the emergency department she was examined, X-rated, and sent home.

Neurologic

• Patient was alert and unresponsive.
  
  
• Healthy appearing, decrepit 69-year-old female, mentally alert, but forgetful.
  
  
• She is numb from her toes down.
  
  
• When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

Gastrointestinal

• Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.
  
  
• The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
  
  
• She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989, when she got a divorce.
  
  
• Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
  
  
• The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
  
  
• Fleet enema given with stool hard as pine knots.
  
  
• Patient complains of indigestion since last night when he ate a stake.
  
  
• Patient passed flatus . . . two short, one long.
  
  
• Patient was seen in consultation by the physician, who felt we should sit tight on the abdomen, and I agreed.

Gynecologic/Urologic

• Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus-sized.
  
  
• Indwelling urinary catheter draining clear yellow roses.
  
  
• Examination of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
  
  
• Pelvic examination to be done later on the floor.
  
  
• Indwelling urinary catheter draining large amount of urine the color of American beer.
  
  
• M.D. at bedside attempting to urinate. Unsuccessful.
  (The physician was actually attempting to intubate).

Social History

• The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
  
  
• Patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
  
  
• Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

Miscellaneous

• The skin was moist and dry.
  
  
• Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
  
  
• The baby was delivered; the cord, clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
  
  
• Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
  
  
• I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
  
  
• Because she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you'd like to work her up.
  
  
• The test indicated abnormal lover function.
  
  
• If he squeezes the back of his neck for 4 or 5 years, it comes and goes.
  
  
• Discharge status: alive, but without permission.